THE THOUGHT OF LOSING RONNIE

(I wrote this while I was watching over RONNNIE at  MMC-Telemetry 4/29/2006 11:30PM and posted this on May 1, 2006 6:44AM)

Today (April 29, 2006) has been like a dream, everything was almost like a blur. It all happened so fast that I had no time to ponder and collect my thoughts. I was just living for the moment … hoping that somebody would wake me up from a bad dream ... Yesterday has been great!!! I spent the entire afternoon in the company of Ronnie’s parents, just chatting with them while they reminisce and relate to me their past- starting from the time when they were still very young (Japanese invasion time), up to the time they met and fell in love…Ronnie on the other hand, was taking a nap in the sofa… but later went up to his room when the heat became too much for him. Who would ever suspect that in his heart of his was an evolving infarct that will be discovered the following day.   

7AM of April 29, 2006, I decided to call him. (He usually calls me in the morning once he wakes up.) After our usual greetings, out of the blue he just told me he will have an EKG. I knew something was wrong. It is not for Ronnie to be volunteering for tests much more for an ECG. So I picked him up at around 8 and we went straight to my clinic. His EKG revealed non-specific ST-T changes in the antero-lateral leads (T inversion in 1, AVL, V4 to V6). I knew something was wrong. But knowing him, he will not believe me. And I know that when I tell him he has to be admitted, he will definitely say NO…And I was right. Good thing, Dr. RAUL LAPITAN will be at HEART STATION MAKATI MED at 10AM (I called Dr. Lapitan soon after when we were on our way to my clinic because I had this gut feeling something was wrong). While waiting for 10AM, we went first to Mc Donalds because Ronnie has not eaten any breakfast. But thereafter we proceeded to Makati Med, first to the XRAY DEPARTMENT for a chest x ray which turned out to be normal, and then we proceeded to meet with Dr. Lapitan. Right away, 2D Echo was done and it was abnormal…and from there, he was given no other option but to be admitted- for an angiogram and if needed a possible angioplasty.  

Those hours were terrible. The thought that he was sick frightened me, and the thought that something fatal might happen to him left me helpless and weak. I was confused and in tears. But I needed to pretend that I was okay for him…But Ronnie knows me too well… He mentioned to Dr. Lapitan the reason why I kept on going out from the 2D Echo room was because I was crying…

Ronnie and I have been into a lot of trials lately. First was when I got sick. It was him who carried me from my room to the car and brought me to MMC-ER when I had severe abdominal pain last April 2005. First, they thought it was a surgical abdomen but it turned out I had endometriosis and had huge bilateral ovarian cysts that were "leaking". Ultimately, I had surgery end of June, 2005. It was Ronnie who took care of me, who held my hand when I was wheeled in the operating room. (Mommy was in the States and Daddy who suffered a stroke few years ago has difficulty ambulating and performing some activities.)It was even him I first saw when I was wheeled out from recovery room. And I will not forget how Ronnie had to look for fresh black lapu-lapu upon Mommy’s instructions because there is a belief among Chinese that it would hasten healing process. How we were both able to get over that phase in our lives stronger, I believe we owe it to each other and our faith in the LORD.

And now, it is April once again, but this time, it is him who is lying in the hospital bed. How fast time flies… and how mysterious are GOD’s ways. But we are here not to question. I just put all my trust and faith in HIM. Ronnie had an angiogram and it showed a 90% lesion in the proximal LAD… but the good thing is he had a successful angioplasty of the said lesion courtesy of Dr. BONG JAVIER. (While the procedure was on-going, Dr. RAUL LAPITAN, Dra. LETTY ANDRES, Dr. TONY KING and Dr. RAMON DIAZ were all there with me in the viewing room. Somehow their presence and their stories helped ease my fears and my anxieties. TO ALL OF YOU- THANK YOU VERY MUCH PO !!! Thank you too, to Dr. MILA UY and to ARLET.)

I’ve been greatly relieved- but I still have my fears. Just the thought that I almost lost RONNIE will forever be etched in my memory, the same way that the thought that I almost lost my Dad would always haunt me.

Life is really unpredictable. And life may be too short for some of us. And just as what I have always been praying lately to OUR DEAR LORD: "Lord, thank you for all the many blessings; and please if you will allow, make me keep them forever, especially the people I love. Please don't give us trials that we cannot face, and continue to bless and protect my family, my loved ones, friends and people who I have met and have touched my life. And thank you my Dearest Lord for the gift of another life for Ronnie ..."  

At the end of the day, what matters most is not what you have, but who you have beside you…I want to wake up each day with Ronnie’s hand in mine.

 

MY SPIRITS ARE UP AGAIN!!!  (Written and posted on May 12, 2007, a Friday at 7:20AM)  

For almost 12 days since April 29, 2006 I have intentionally removed any thoughts about our wedding preparation from my mind. Primary reason: I was traumatized to make future plans after what happened to RONNIE. Just imagine, if it so happened that GOD had other plans for him, then maybe there will be no wedding to plan for now ... and no RONNIE to hold my hand and make me smile ... I am very sure that I will not be able to take that ... But OUR GOOD LORD still has plans for "US" and we thank HIM for all HIS many blessings.

As I was trying to recall everything that happened that day of April 29, I remember I was up as early as 3AM feeling very happy. I even started this page (From a Soon 2B Bride) and posted it 5AM. But after only a few hours, I was face to face with the reality and possibility of "what if something happens to Ronnie." Imagining and facing the inevitable was the worst thing... 

We also lost my lolo last May 4, 2006; so the past weeks were really devastating, and emotionally and physically draining...

But enough of that ... the most important thing is I am in high spirits once again, and I am back to live and savour life. Just the other night (May 10), I was feeling very low (the day after my lolo was buried). But after spending some precious time with Ronnie over miso soup and mixed sushi and california maki last night (May 11) ... right away, my spirits were high. Maybe... I was just missing him- despite the talks, and the texts, and the calls and despite being with him in Pampanga during my lolos' burial (he insisted on attending the burial despite my vehement NO; so Mommy told me to just allow him ...) and despite spending a few hours with him when Mommy asked him to join us when we visited Tita Melba the other day (May 10). Maybe I was feeling low because I miss "US"  doing things together-  like doing grocery, cooking, eating, just being beside him while he held my hand ...

And to my surprise he also misses the same thing ... Yesterday while I was at work I received a text from him, and it goes - " HI HON, YOU KNOW I DON'T SAY THIS VERY OFTEN, I MISS YOU SO MUCH ... MISS THE THINGS WE DO TOGETHER ... LOVE U ... C U LATER OK ..."  This was enough to lift up my spirits and make me smile ...

As long as I have RONNIE beside me, I will continue to plan ahead, dream big and live life ...

 

49 DAYS TO GO ... (Written and Posted on June 3, 2006, a Saturday at 10:39PM) 

How fast time flies ... It was only yesterday when I would always wake up at 6AM with Daddy shouting my name because it is time for breakfast. And every time, I would always eat breakfast with my Dad regardless of what time I slept the night prior. But lately, intentionally, I have been skipping that .. and always I would make excuses that I am doing something or I that am still sleepy and would still want some extra minutes in bed. But the truth is ... as early as 3:30AM, I've been up and wide awake. And the reason why I have been skipping my BREAKFAST DATE WITH MY DAD is because I have been trying hard to train myself to not get used to that now because I don't want to miss that when the time comes when I have to leave home. Would you believe I am crying now (And I even went inside Daddy's room and hugged him tight and cried to him that I will miss him.)   

I know I will always be Daddy's little girl, just as I will always be Mommy's only girl. And just like any little girl, I will miss my family so much when the time comes when I have to leave home to start my "own home." But it does not mean I am not excited and eager to start life with Ronnie. The truth is I am looking forward to building our own family. I know, soon I may not be going home to my own room, take a bath in my own tub, nor sleep in my own bed, but wherever I will be, I know I will be in the best hands with RONNIE beside me. Definitely I will miss my Dad, my Mom, John, Ian, Bianca, Trizia, Nanay Conching, Fred, Toto, Lynette, even Bruno (our super-kulit na "askal" na dog) but just as Dad said, I can always keep my room ... I know it is my Dad's way of telling me he will miss his little girl too. 

I may be physically leaving home, but in my heart I will  forever keep and treasure my family. And I thank RONNIE for understanding that I will always be MY DAD's LITTLE GIRL.

 

SOON I WILL BECOME MRS. TOLENTINO ...                                                                   (Written and posted on June, 25, 2006, Sunday, 5AM)

Last night I kept on tossing in my bed. I was up a total of three times: at 10PM, 1AM and 4AM. Each time, I would have difficult time going back to sleep; even if the previous night I slept super late, one o'clock in the morning. (We were given free tickets to watch a show at Casino Filipino, so together with Ronnie, my Mom, Daddy Regino and Mommy Miguela, we all went home late.) The first time I woke up at 10PM I was able to catch in the Lifestyle Channel a show entitled "DIARIES OF AN INSTANT WEDDING." That was fun, seeing the bride and groom prepare for their wedding really in an instant, only a couple of hours. But they were helped by so many paid sponsors and their dream of having a wedding in a ranch turned out memorable and a big surprise for their guests. After the show, I went back to sleep, only to wake up at 1AM. This time I turned on my laptop and decided to open our website. I was planning to add some postings but I hesitated. I eventually forced myself to go back to sleep- I have to, we have a whole day pre-cana seminar scheduled today from 8AM to 5PM. But for the third time, I woke up at 4AM, and this time I decided I will not go back to sleep ... so here I am writing.

The past weeks were quite busy. We travelled to Lumban, Laguna last June 20, 2006 to see my trail and Ronnie's barong and the other wedding accessories.(It was only yesterday afternoon that Ronnie's barong, the sleeves of my gown, and the other accessories were finally delivered to us. Finally!!! Imagine, we only have 28 days to go and until now we still have to complete my gown. Hmmm, the past few days were really stressful. But, I felt better the night of June 21. I spent the afternoon in Ronnie's place. We brainstormed again. And later made a schedule for the coming days. That night when we were left in the sala and Daddy Regino and Mommy Miguela were up in their room, we prayed. We said our prayers aloud, enough for the THREE of us to hear- Ronnie, myself and OUR LORD. And I felt better after that ... like as if all the tension and the stress of the past and coming days have been lifted from my shoulder. Do you want to know the most important thing we prayed for? That may OUR GOOD LORD help us in every step as we  start our married life. At the end of the day and when we have to took back to July 22, 2006 - it will just be one of those memorable days, but the most important thing is RONNIE and TESS TOLENTINO, working on their marriage, with GOD at their center.

As I have always felt, our WEDDING RECEPTION is for our family and friends ... BUT THE WEDDING CEREMONY is OURS- it is between RONNIE, MYSELF and OUR DEAR LORD.

13 DAYS TO GO ... FRIENDS HAVE STARTED ARRIVING                                          (Written on July 9, 2006, a Sunday at 5AM)  

 

 

11PM of July 6, 2006, one of my best friend MARIVIC KAGAMI arrived from Japan. She has been happily married to a Japanese and blessed with two beautiful teen-aged girls and has been based in Japan the past 18 years. I am deeply honored  and touched for all these ... Friends coming from distant places to be with us as we start a new phase in our lives ... Friends finding time despite their very busy schedules and expensive fares to join us on our special day. In a few days RONNIES' siblings (ENTIRE TOLENTINO FAMILY) will be flying from California, Thailand and Japan, while my dearest cousin (ALVIN and LISA) from New Jersey- will likewise be coming home on July 16. A dear friend from Cebu (Dr. ROY ENTIENZA and wife- MRS. LIWAY ENTIENZA) and my best friend AILEEN PE and her mother (MRS. FE PE) will be coming from Palawan. I still cannot believe it that they will give this much importance to us. This is one moment when you cannot put into words how much happiness you have in your heart ... this is one moment when you are lost for words and all you can utter is a sincere thank you for everything. These are the times when you feel so blessed and so loved - in the company of family and real friends ... 

In my life, if there is one thing that matters most, it is building and keeping the ties ... it is keeping and nurturing relationships. I may lose all the wealth, the fame and the power ... but when I have MY GOD, my family and my true friends, then I will never be alone ... Now, I can say I am truly blessed because aside from my family and friends, OUR LORD gifted me with another family- the TOLENTINO family and He really made sure I will never be alone because He gave me  a hand I can hold on to forever ... that of my soon to be husbands' -Ronnies'. 

38 HOURS TO GO ... AND I WILL BECOME MRS. REDENTOR TOLENTINO              (Written and posted on Friday, July 21, 2006 at 1:30AM)

Just thirty minutes ago (12:15AM of July 21) Ester, Rod and Aileen left our house after giving me a surprise visit. Carrying a big box of Shakeys pizza and a bottle of Coke, they suddenly barged inside my room while I was busy preparing the parking tickets for the principal sponsors. I was caught unaware because earlier this morning, Ester and Aileen came to visit me already and Aileen even kept on saying that the next time they will be seeing me is on the day of my wedding when we are already preparing in the hotel.

 It will always be a nice feeling to be with your best friends- my friends who knows me too well that they would know when I have sumpong or may tampo, and knows me when I am in cloud nine. Me and my friends have been through a lot together. We have been through so many escapades (mind you- these are fun but wholesome get-togethers), so many heartaches, and even times of trials and pains, but through it all, still here we are now ... just like how we used to be, "masaya kahit sa isang basong coke as long as we are together, with our baon na kwentos and our unending recollections of the past." How fun it was when we had our Christmas get-together in Tagaytay- we played patintero and agawan-base in the street. How will I ever forget those simple get-togethers when all we would have is just coffee but we would end up late at night because of unending talks about our unfulfilled dreams then. How will I not remember that time when on the eve of my birthday they surprised me at home with a bunch of roses. These past days they have been texting me that they feel sad and that they will miss me, and it is the same feeling I have. I cannot explain it but there are times I would suddenly miss them too and think about our past.  One wish I have ... that they will always be there, just like before. I may be changing my status in the next 36 hours, but forever they will be my bestfriends ... no amount of time or distance can change that ... TO ESTER, AILEEN, RHOD, DULCE and MARIVIC... THANK YOU FOR THE FRIENDSHIP, THANK YOU FOR THE MEMORIES AND CHEERS FOR MORE BEAUTIFUL THINGS TO COME.